Today is one of those days in which I feel like my tank is cruising on empty. My fatigue and brain activity are in a steel caged match and it doesn't look so hot for the ole thought maker. My fatigue is about to put my brain in the full-nelson but I'm hoping that my brain has one sucker punch left in him.
I haven't been sleeping too well lately. Beyond my baby girl not sleeping (this is a blog entry in itself), I am having flash backs to when I was a kid and would stay up all night worrying about whether or not I would get a gold star for remembering my phone number the next day. I'm not worried too much about my phone number these days but I do seem to be thinking a lot about whether or not I am a good dad, husband and servant of Jesus. I just have this overwhelming since that I am falling short in so much of what I do.
I find myself praying, "God have mercy on me" throughout the day.
It is in moments of fragility that I wonder why God chooses to work through us at all. It seems like it would be a lot easier to expand his Kingdom without us. Sometimes I just see all the ways that I suck and wonder why God would want to use a ragmuffin like me. In my sense of self wonder and questioning, I find C.S. Lewis' words bring me comfort once again. He writes (from God in the Dock)
"God has not chosen to write the whole of history with His own hand. Most of the events that go on in the universe are indeed out of our control, but not all. It is like a play in which the scene and the general outline of the story is fixed by the author, but certain minor details are left for the actors to improvise. It may be a mystery why God should have allowed us to cause real events at all; but it is no odder that He should allow us to cause them by praying than by any other method."
For one reason or another in the midst of a day in which I feel like I have nothing left to give, I find the thought of God being in control and still wanting me to play a part in the pageant of history to be thrilling. How amazing is it that God is so secure in himself and so sure of what he is doing that he allows screw-ups like me (and maybe you would want to be put into this category...or maybe not) to work through. God is simply amazing.
May God extend his mercy on us all this day.
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3 comments:
Hey man, if you actually re-read the beginning few paragraphs of your post as if Bob Dylan were singing it, it's pretty sweet.
Jamie --thanks for your encouragement. I think it is funny how there are so many people in the world that look like me. Do you remember that guy from Coca-Cola that Heather thought was me?
You and Brian are dear friends. Thank you for the encouragement.
John--I think I could hear some Dylan if I mumble a few of the lines.
Well this is what I found to be the best help for all stressful situations. Only 2 principles and you life becomes less stressful.
1. Don't get married
2. If you can't deal without the first don't have kids.
I am not saying they are good principles but 2 ways to make your life less stressful.
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